mobileWOMEN.org: sexuality and relationships

Showing posts with label sexuality and relationships. Show all posts

Part III - Celebrating Love in All Forms

By The mobileWOMEN Team

We hope that you will enjoy the series and share it with others that you feel may find it beneficial. Ultimately, our best resource is one another so please share your thoughts on our Facebook page. We are so grateful for all of you. Let’s embrace the support that we can give each other and the love felt within our community!

Part II - Looking for Love: Tips on Finding Your Significant Other

By mobileWOMEN Team

We at mobileWOMEN.org found that this Valentine’s Day sparked it’s usual passion but also this time, it sparked a passionate conversation regarding love and relationships. It all started when one of our contributors found herself among a group of single mobileWOMEN, discussing the viability of marriage when having a disability. These women conveyed that they didn’t know any other women that were married and weren’t even sure if marriage was a possibility for them.

After a few of us discussed creating an article about marriage, we realized that there are many dimensions and aspects of love. Marriage wasn’t necessarily the only road to happiness and love comes in many shapes and forms.

Fortunately, our mobileWOMEN team members have broad range of circumstances when it comes to relationships and love, so each of us agreed to share our experiences and thoughts on the subject. We decided one article was not enough to cover this complex topic so we have created a series of three posts based on the following:

Part I - Relationship Status: Different Perspectives from our mW Team

Part II - Looking for Love: Tips on Finding Your Significant Other

Part III - Celebrating Love in All Forms

We hope that you will enjoy the series and share it with others that you feel may find it beneficial. Ultimately, our best resource is one another so please share your thoughts on our Facebook page. We are so grateful for all of you. Let’s embrace the support that we can give each other and the love felt within our community!

In this post, we are covering the second post of our "love" series:

Part II - Looking for Love: Tips on Finding Your Significant Other

We asked our members the following questions:

a) If you are in a relationship, how did you meet? OR If you are looking for love, what methods have you tried to meet someone?

b) What advice/tips would you give another mobileWOMAN looking for love?

Part I - Relationship Status: Different Perspectives from our mW Team

By mobileWOMEN Team

We at mobileWOMEN.org found that this Valentine’s Day sparked it’s usual passion but also this time, it sparked a passionate conversation regarding love and relationships. It all started when one of our contributors found herself among a group of single mobileWOMEN, discussing the viability of marriage when having a disability. These women conveyed that they didn’t know any other women that were married and weren’t even sure if marriage was a possibility for them.

After a few of us discussed creating an article about marriage, we realized that there are many dimensions and aspects of love. Marriage wasn’t necessarily the only road to happiness and love comes in many shapes and forms.

Fortunately, our mobileWOMEN team members have broad range of circumstances when it comes to relationships and love, so each of us agreed to share our experiences and thoughts on the subject. We decided one article was not enough to cover this complex topic so we have created a series of three posts based on the following:

Part I - Relationship Status: Different Perspectives from our mW Team
Part II - Looking for Love: Tips on Finding Your Significant Other
Part III - Celebrating Love in All Forms

We hope that you will enjoy the series and share it with others that you feel may find it beneficial. Ultimately, our best resource is one another so please share your thoughts on our Facebook page. We are so grateful for all of you. Let’s embrace the support that we can give each other and the love felt within our community!

Let's dive in to Part I - Relationship Status: Different Perspectives from our mW Team

THE LOSS OF A CAREGIVER; The Story of Overwhelming Paralysis and the Terrifying Events of the What-Ifs

By Patty Kunze, RN, BSN and Roberta Palmer, RN

Frank & Patty Kunze 2013

In 2009 I became paralyzed from an auto accident. I thought that was one of the most difficult phases of my life. Learning how to function from a wheelchair, how to go from a totally independent woman at age 48 to now living life from the sitting position, forever. But wow, was I ever mistaken. In July, I lost my caregiver, my spouse of 29 years, my other half of my being, to cancer and I became paralyzed all over again. I was paralyzed due to grief while sitting in a wheelchair. We all experience sadness, but what happens when the source of the grief is your spouse, who happens to be your caregiver. The Rollin’ RNs decided to tackle this huge topic.

First off, let’s review the emotional stages of grief that we can all go through which are shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope. I also feel there is one more stage that occurs before acceptance/hope and that is a state of being extremely overwhelmed. I will explain my feeling of being overwhelmed later but these stages are in no order and may occur anytime during the emotional rollercoaster.

Disbelief occurred in 2007. I begin my story in 2007 when my husband was diagnosed with malignant melanoma, the worst of all skin cancers. We had been married 19 years at this time but I couldn’t believe my husband was diagnosed with malignant melanoma. He had a small mole on his back that began to itch. As a nurse, I looked at it, gave my assessment (one that NEVER included cancer) and suggested we have it examined by a physician. The physician looked at the mole and said, “No big deal. We will remove it when it’s convenient to you.” It was removed shortly afterwards and then we were called to his office and given the news. Malignant Melanoma. Immediately after the surgery and recovery, we moved forward again, a tiny blip in our road of life. No biggie. Then in 2009, our auto accident occurred that left me a paraplegic, paralyzed completely from mid-chest down. Another stage came into being, guilt. Our SUV was being driven by my husband and even though the accident was not his fault, he felt guilt by not protecting me when the truck T-boned us by running a stop sign.

Home Security and Safety Advice for Domestic Abuse Survivors

By Nora Hood


Image via Pexels

Domestic Abuse: The Facts and Figures

Domestic abuse is a serious problem we don’t talk about often enough. Abuse can take various forms. It can be physical, emotional, or financial. The common thread through each of them, is how the abuser uses their power to hold the abused hostage, in their own homes. While survivors span through all gender identities, females suffer from intimate partner violence at higher rates than males-- an estimate 85 percent of domestic abuse survivors are women.

Other shocking statistics regarding domestic abuse include:

● Over 38 million women experience physical intimate partner violence, in their lifetimes -- that is one out of every four women.

● Every day in the United States, three women are murdered by a current or former male partner.

● Black women experience domestic violence at rate 35 percent higher than white women.

● Women who experience domestic abuse are eight times more likely to be murdered by their partner, if there is a firearm in the household.

● In 98 percent of domestic violence cases, financial abuse also occurs.

● A transgender person of color is 2.6 times more likely to experience intimate partner violence than a non-LGBT person.

● A woman is 70 times more likely to be murdered by her abusive partner in the weeks after leaving.

● Those living with disabilities are more likely to experience violence and abuse than people without disabilities.

Rollin’ with the Providers of Care

By Patty Kunze, RN, BSN and Roberta Palmer, RN

Bless all the caregivers in the world because without them our lives would be challenging.

February is the month of love and we want to take this time to thank all caregivers. Being called into the role as the “giver of care” is not an easy task for many, especially when it wasn’t in your plans to be. We (the nurses of The Rollin’ RN) chose to take on the job as a giver of care. We chose the field of nursing, many years ago, because we wanted to lend aid to others due to illnesses. But that was our choice. We knew we would spend many hours during our shifts taking care of others, not family members, but strangers to the best of our trained knowledge. Now that is the key word in this message “trained”; there are many years of nursing school between the both of us. But suddenly, our spouses were tossed into the role of caregiver when that day occurred, the day that led us into a life with spinal cord injury. They could have easily decided to walk away, as we are well aware that some do, but they chose to stick it out.

We have asked numerous partners to share their own thoughts on being thrust into the world of the “unknown” black hole of endless 24/7 care for their loved one and why they chose that path vs. having a paid caregiver. We are here to share some thoughts and to say thank you for all they do.

"Where Fairy Tales Go" - An Excerpt

By Annette Ross

“A playbook for all of us about the power of love...”

Lee Woodruff, New York Times #1 bestselling author, In an Instant

Annette Ross’ inspirational memoir details her personal challenges, financial struggles, and the life-altering medical error that left her unable to walk. Join Annette and her family on this journey to reclaim a lost fairy tale.

EXCERPT Where Fairy Tales Go

The Delivery Room, January 2000

The anesthesiologist arrived in a lousy mood.

It was after midnight. She looked disheveled and distracted. Her dirty-blond hair fell over her eyes. To diffuse the obvious tension, I begin an anxious litany of questions to try and build rapport. I also needed to bolster my own courage. I asked how she was feeling. “Exhausted,” she said, and mumbled something about having gone out with her new fiancé. The tone in her voice was unsettling. And she made it clear that she was not there for conversation. I knew it was important to let her do her job, so I tried to talk myself down by nervously chatting with Bill. We were, after all, excitedly anticipating the birth of our second child. The anesthesiologist brought in a metal cart, instructed me to move to the end of the bed, and told me to “lean over the table.” As she injected a needle into my lower back, my body jolted violently.

Your Eldercare Choices . . . or Theirs?

By Allan Checkoway

Your elderly parent has been most fortunate to have lived a healthy lifestyle for decades. There are presently no warning signs on the horizon.

When we hear personal stories about long term care “events”, they’re usually conflicted or disturbing and almost always negative. Siblings become angry with each other over who will be responsible for the parents care. When Mom passed away, she didn’t know who Dad was anymore. All their savings went to the nursing home and there was nothing left for the family. Long Term Care is always a FAMILY ISSUE.

Unfortunately, long term care experiences have been known to destroy family relationships. Better planning and communication might have avoided the hurt feelings.

Wheels and Wags

By Emily Sciarretta

When I stopped walking due to rare conditions that continue to stump doctors to this day, I had no idea how my life would change. After working and singing professionally and living a completely independent life, I went to stand, hit the ground, and never stood up again. My paraplegia diagnosis came about 10 years ago on October 31st.

After all the brain surgeries, diagnoses and needing caregivers to help me with ADL's, I thought nobody would ever be interested in dating me. I opened up my mind, though, to dating a man in a chair. I hadn't done that yet. I met Frank through Judy, a woman who raises puppies for Canine Companions for Independence (CCI). It took some time for me to adjust, as we are both disabled, but he was patient and gave me time. Frank had Bastien, a service dog through Canine Companions for Independence, and I had Carmel from the same organization. We had disability, service dogs and a very strong foundation of friendship that grew with time. I love laughing, and we have a similiar sense of humor, the same values and a strong belief and love of God and keeping Him first in our lives.

Love Lessons Learned by the Independent Woman

By Vicky Page

I admit that I never learned much about love. I mean the love of your family comes easy for some of us, they’ve known you since you were a little kid. Most have played with you, laughed with you changed your diapers and fought with you but still managed to adore you anyway.

Even some friendships come easily for me. I meet people and I just click with them so easily, it’s like we’ve shared bologna sandwiches and secrets all of our lives.

Author, Vicky Page

The one thing I never fully grasped the concept of is romantic love. I grew up with Cerebral Palsy causing tight muscles and without peripheral vision. (I can’t see out of the sides of my eyes.) I have been in a wheelchair since I was five years old. When I grew into that dating age, my former girlfriends wanted nothing to do with a girl who looked so different than them. I was the only female in a wheelchair in my grade.The boys never gave me a second glance.

So my loving parents and sister told me to be the best person that I could despite these setbacks. My father and teachers tutored me though high school, helping me to pass my classes. My mother and sister helped out with tutoring in college too. Mostly though, this life left little time for any foraying into the social world of dating. I’ve never even been around the bases. Most people have been to the kissing part or at least the hand holding part but I haven’t even been there,

10 Common Misconceptions about Women with Disabilities

By the mobileWOMEN.org Team

Misconception #1: We can't speak for ourselves.

Ever notice when you're in a restaurant and the hostess asks the person you are with, where you would like to sit?

Guess what? We are able to communicate ourselves! Even if someone can’t speak, chances are they have found a way to express themselves. We lead active, productive lives and have no problem answering a question or finding another restaurant!

Misconception #2: If you're married, you must've married before you sustained your injury/disability.

No, actually we do date and have active social lives. We have plenty to offer in a relationship. Many can see our strengths, attributes and beauty!

Misconception #3: Women with disabilities don’t have sex.

We can. We do. We like.

Women with disabilities have the same needs and desires as everyone else. They are also used to being creative and thinking outside-the-box, so watch out!

Why Self Esteem is the First Ingredient to a Positive Relationship

By Christinne Rudd

Relationships and intimacy require a level of risk to be taken by both parties. The risk that you're taking is to expose your feelings and other personal things about yourself to someone else. In order to do that and fully enjoy the result of a successful relationship, you have to know your self-worth and posses positive self esteem. For someone with a disability, this may be difficult for a myriad of reasons, depending on their personal circumstances but this really doesn't have to be the case at all. When our children are young, one of the first indicators of their growth and development is how they interact with others. It also seems to be a gauge to our success as parents. As I've read in many articles on parenting, the first place our kids learn acceptable behaviors and other levels of interaction is at home.


Christinne Rudd & her son

This is also true of their self-esteem and how they view others. If parents aren't confident in their roles, and more importantly in themselves, our kids are the first to know it. Along the same lines, the feedback they receive from their parents on self-image and acceptable behaviors comes from us, their first, and in my opinion, most important teachers. When raising kids with disabilities, the territory may seem new to you , even if you have other children. Kids with disabilities need the same positive role models and influences as children with out disabilities. Just because someone has a disability doesn't mean they can't or don't understand what they're being taught or what they see being modeled by their parents. Even if your children have some sort of intellectual disability, plenty of material exists and professionals are available to help along the way. We're no longer in archaic times where we might need to invent the wheel on different aspects of getting a message to a child.

Christinne Rudd and her son

The word "intimacy" conjures up ideas that may or may not be accurate. In the realm of dating, more often than not, people with disabilities aren't seen as potential partners by those who aren't disabled. There are even many misconceptions by potential partners and even our parents, about this inevitable part of our lives. That doesn't mean that the person themselves hasn't thought about having a boyfriend or girlfriend, by the time they hit puberty. It makes me think about the "Law and Order: SVU" episode where there's a girl with Down Syndrome, who ends up pregnant and wants to take care of her baby. When thinking about becoming a mother, her disability doesn't even cross her mind.

When we're younger, and it's time for "The Talk", a lot of parents avoid it all together. I often wonder, how many parents realize that if they have a child who is or becomes disabled, they could still have the potential to lead a full life, complete with successful relationships and a happy family? Probably not too many. Some parents feel like if they don't talk about it with us, it just won't happen. I don't think there's any malice in this line of thinking. It seems more like a way to protect us from the world, outside the safety of our homes. The downfall to that is if we don't get accurate information from our parents, we'll learn from our friends, and they might not be the best source of information.

The WHEEL Appeal of Online Dating

A Two-Year Diary by Alana Wallace

As I shove two slices of toast in this darn too small toaster, I decide that after breakfast I am going to take my friend's advice and sign up for online dating! After all, spending two years to heal my broken heart is enough time (right?). At 62, I can't believe I'm back out here in the dating pool.

The dating scene has changed so much since I was last available. Online dating is the most popular way for singles to meet. Most women find online dating difficult, however add a wheelchair into the mix and difficulty turns into something else indeed! Nevertheless, I'll try it.

Profile Name: Aphrodite

Tag Line: I Believe in Fairytale Endings ... and So They Lived Happily Ever After!

Clever Opening: I'm too young to give up on love, but too old to be lured into replacing real phone calls with habitual texting!

I’m Disabled, 20-Something, and Believe in Love

By Kristin Duquette

This piece is an excerpt of writings regarding love and self-acceptance. Regardless of societal differences- from ability, gender, sexual orientation, race, etc. - you are a powerful source of love.

I never knew how much I was loved. It’s honorary. It’s scary. It’s overwhelming. It’s amazing.

If only we reached into these emotions more often and lived from a place of deep love, much of our daily lives would truly change- from our relationships, friendships, family bonds to strangers we pass by.

I never knew how much I was truly cared about and that I actually influence people’s lives. Society has a tendency to see me as a broken individual, but with love, I’ve learned to shatter those lenses and begin to see myself as a source of love.


Danielle Sheypuk, Ph.D.

Danielle Sheypuk is a licensed psychologist, specializing in the area of dating, relationships, and sexuality among people with physical disabilities. She currently practices psychology in New York City, where she obtained her Ph.D. from The New School for Social Research.

Dr. Sheypuk was diagnosed with Spinal Muscular Atrophy, Type 2, when she was three years old, and she has used a motorized wheelchair since then. Her interest in the psychology of dating, relationships, and sexuality among people with disabilities began while she was in graduate school, where she uniquely combined her personal experiences and professional studies.While pursuing graduate studies, she once described her NYC dating and relationship experiences as “Sex and the City, disability style.” She began to address the difficulties that people with disabilities encounter in this frequently ignored yet extremely significant aspect of their lives. Although there have been many campaigns designed to improve public accommodations for people with disabilities, almost no attention has been paid to improving the quality of their romantic relationships.

Several published articles later, Dr. Sheypuk’s interest turned into a full-blown campaign after she snagged the title “Ms. Wheelchair New York” in 2012. “I used this title to speak out on a larger level to change society's negative views of the sexuality of people with disabilities, to promote healthy romantic relationships, and to make dating someone in a wheelchair both desirable and sexy,” Dr. Sheypuk told the press. Since then, she has found herself in demand from a variety of media focused on her particular area of expertise.

Karen Roy Lets the Good Times Roll

Editor’s Note: You’re not beaten until you give-up. Although you may not know where you’re going or what you’ll eventually become, as long as you continue to improve and try to be better than you’ve been yesterday, good things start happening for you. Karen Roy from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, has proved that statement. A medical social worker today at Neuro Medical Center/Rehabilitation Hospital, Karen Roy has taken a journey to arrive at this position that demonstrates the courage of an individual and the never-say-die attitude that results in a successful life.

Karen Roy with her beautiful family in New Orleans.

My childhood was spent in Marshalltown, Iowa, but most of my life was spent in Louisiana. My mom, dad, little brother and I had a picture-perfect family. My dad had an engineering background and sold large valves to chemical companies and oil companies. In Louisiana, the chemical and oil business was and still is a major part of the economy, and supplying this industry with equipment was very lucrative. My dad worked for Fisher Controls, which he said was the Mercedes of the valve industry, and became vice president of this company. I went to a very small private school in Baton Rouge, and, although there were only 68 students in my class, I had a lot of friends because I was a social butterfly. I fell madly in love at 16 and dated that same boy for 7 years. He was with me when I got shot.

Dear Tiffiny,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about five months now. We met online and, in the beginning, he seemed to be alright with my wheelchair situation, but now I am not so sure. Things are going pretty well... I've met his parents, friends, except I'm starting to worry that my limitations may be getting on his nerves.

He's really sweet, and that's part of the problem. I'm afraid he wouldn't tell me to what he was really feeling even if I asked him. What can I do to make sure he's not starting to get annoyed with my disability (I would hate for it to get the point that he gets so fed up that he just walks away)? Thanks for taking the time to help me.

Sincerely,

In love but worried

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear In Love But Worried,

What you're feeling is one of the most common things someone with a disability feels when they're dating a partner who's able-bodied - are we good enough and will our limitations eventually drive them away. To be completely honest, they could, and this has happened to many relationships, but that's life, it gets messy and sometimes hearts get broken.

Tiffiny Carlson

Hello Tiff-

I’m a 34 year old woman with cerebral palsy and I use a power chair. My first and only relationship was in high school. Dating with a disability is hard enough, but throw in the fact that I am a lesbian and it gets so much harder. The stereotype is that people with disabilities are not sexual beings, but then you throw in a deviant sexuality...

I am not in to the bar or club scene, but I am wishing I had someone in my life.

Thanks,

Lonely Lesbian

----------------------------------------------------

Dear Lonely Lesbian,

Sorry to hear you’ve been single for so long. I hate hearing stories of people who’ve been single since high school. And putting a stop to the single streak, like you already recognized, when you’re both disabled and gay, isn’t the easiest hand to play, but it can still be played with success.

mobileROMANCE columnist
Tiffiny Carlson

Hi Tiffiny,

I’m a 29 year old guy in a wheelchair, very independent and somewhat successful. I’d say I’m a good looking guy and think I come across relatively confident and talking to girls has never been a problem. I realized early after my accident that life was going to be significantly different when it came to women and relationships (I know, not rocket science…haha). It was not going to be nearly as easy as it once was, but I’ve been pretty determined to not let my chair be my excuse.

After trying and failing to pick up girls in a similar way to how I once had, I decided that a better way to approach it might be to rather befriend them rather than actively perusing them. Only problem is I now have a bunch of girl “friends” and no girlfriend, and it’s beginning to feel not too dissimilar from the relationships girls have with their gay guy friends! If I try to make a move and the feelings aren’t mutual, the friendship will never be the same.

My question is, what--if anything--would you do differently?

Sincerely,

Mr. Always Platonic

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